While I myself do not celebrate Easter, my boyfriend is Lutheran.  He had a tough week leading up to Easter and needed to attend church services to help get his mind to calm down. He wanted me to attend services with him, not due to any fantasies of conversion, but solely based on the fact that I’m important to him and he wants me to know this part of his life.  Without his beliefs, my boyfriend wouldn’t be nearly the man he is today. I will never pretend to believe in the same dogma, but I will absolutely respect and honor his religious beliefs. I absolutely agreed to go and had a wonderful time meeting his pastors and friends.

That being said, I was nervous, which in turn made my boyfriend concerned for me. I haven’t always had the best history in dual-religion relationships.  At first, I thought it was old relationship haunts coming back to rear their ugly little heads. I have been in relationships where the other party asked me to attend church in an effort to convert me.  Needless to say, it eventually led to these relationships dissolving.

However, shortly after we came home from the service, my boyfriend gave me an out. I could go to services with him, but he doesn’t want me to be uncomfortable in any way. I honestly didn’t realize how much of my nerves were projecting outward.  After some discussion, and assuring him that I enjoyed going to his church and meeting his friends, I came to a realization. I was afraid. But I realized that it wasn’t for me, but for him.  I was afraid of what the parish would say to him upon finding out I was Wiccan.  I was afraid of him having to defend his choice in a building where he feels safe and part of a community.

Unconsciously, I was flashing back to moments in my life where I’ve had to defend my path.  I flashed back to the counselor’s office my junior year of high school, where I was told another student had accused me of worshipping Satan. I flashed back to college, where I suddenly lost friends because their religious beliefs didn’t have room for a Wiccan. I remembered all the conversations with my very religious and very Baptist grandmother (this one ultimately ended well). I remembered all those failed relationships.

While I strive to honor other belief systems, I didn’t realize just how much of my early years as a Wiccan were impacting my life today.  While I try to practice tolerance and understanding when it comes to other religions, it would seem that I still expect and fear that those same religions will react negatively to me.   I’ve spent the last couple of years believing that I was as open concerning my faith as I could be. But, if I’m still afraid of how people are going to react, am I really open and understanding?  While I try and respect other’s beliefs, I’m expecting them to reacting negatively. I’m painting these people, these people I do not know, with a belief contrived from the negative experiences of my early Pagan years. This is a vicious cycle. This is not a cycle of tolerance or understanding, but one based on a fear.

But now, I know. I know where that fear lies. I know how it works. And that knowledge helps me to become a better practitioner, a better neighbor, a better person. The bottom line, apparently I am, in fact, still growing both as a person and as a Wiccan.  It may not have been the ideal way to spend Easter with my boyfriend, but it was certainly an eye-opener.